I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he fucked my hip out of place.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
