Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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