you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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