"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
