community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
