She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
