I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Randomize
