I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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