So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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