I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
