I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
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Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
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Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year