I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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