somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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