my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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