I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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