I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
