I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
