woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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