Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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