i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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