dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
