Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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