There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
