Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
