I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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