I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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