haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
