I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize