im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
