My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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