im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
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Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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