Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
