He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
