I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
