I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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