he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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