Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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