Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
