Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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