I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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