Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
