Your mouth is God's brothel.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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