I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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