All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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