Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
