PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
