I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
