last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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