Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
