Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
