I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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