covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
PANTIES FOUND
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
