You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
