Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
